One of the absolute most common questions I receive as a sex educator is about how to bring a new sex toy home to a sweetheart.
There’s a lot of fear inside that question: insecurity over what we like, nerves that maybe it won’t turn our partner on, general embarrassment over our choices. Boiled down, most of the edginess we feel around sexuality stems from shame. When we decide to put our pleasure first and go out on the limb of exploring our own sexuality—exploring ourselves—some feelings, positive or negative, are bound to come up.
When choosing something we think we’ll love, we’re looking at our desire and trying to give it an outlet. That in itself is a beautiful act of vulnerability and self care. The thing I always tell folks is to present the new addition to your life like the gift that it is.
If you present it like a game of hot potato, tossing it awkwardly to your partner in a hurry, they are likely to feel awkward about it, too. If you sit them down and confidently say, “I’d been fantasizing about buying this for a long time, and now that I finally have it, I can’t stop thinking about you using it on me,” chances are that you will be having quite the night.
Taking the opportunity to allow your partner to explore this delicate, incredible, powerful space with you is nothing short of a gift.
But what if it isn’t a partner who’s holding you back from the vibrator of your dreams? What if it’s you?
The only person who is ever going to know exactly what you want is you. Much like an ice cream shop, the person behind the counter can tell you the bestseller or their own favorite, but when it comes down to it, you have to make the decision.
Also, like with ice cream, you might be able to guess that you will like a certain flavor, but it might take trying a few to find what you’ve truly been craving. How can you know the depth of your palette without tasting a few varieties?
While taking the first steps toward embracing this aspect of sexuality, allow yourself room to have feelings, and acknowledge them. It’s okay to feel nervous, embarrassed, excited, uncertain, turned on! We all experience a range of emotions around our sexuality. Allow yourself to go through your own process.
If the idea of purchasing a sex toy is too much for you or your partner to handle, start small; a bottle of lube is a (necessary!) wonderful addition to everybody’s bits, and it can be a great icebreaker when it comes to trying new things in the bedroom. Handjobs are suddenly more sensational, sex is suddenly more slippery, and masturbation is a breeze.
From there, it’s not much of a leap to try a gentle stimulating lubricant or arousal balm. Sliquid makes an incredible cooling lube as well as a nice, tingly arousal balm that I often recommend.
Start small, work up as slowly or as quickly as you like, and above all else, have a great time.
If it’s your first time introducing a toy to the bedroom, I suggest the following:
Tenga Eggs
These little masturbation sleeves are more than meets the eye! While their primary purpose is to be used as a stretchy penis sleeve, they can also be wrapped around the base of a dildo for extra padding while wearing a harness, or turned inside out and stretched around the head of a wand vibrator. Or the tip can be cut off for use as a textured blowjob aid. Inexpensive, disposable, and versatile, these little strokers are excellent toys for any beginner.
(Included in the current “Sex is Hot!” Guy Girl and Guy Guy Nooky Box)
Battery-Operated G-Spot Vibe
One of my all-time favorites to recommend for first-time buyers is a $20 G-spot vibrator with a big, fat, vibrating bulb on the end of a long, thin wand. With variable speeds, it offers an inexperienced buyer a lot of options in terms of power, and the shape is perfect for either internal or external stimulation. While I typically only favor rechargeable vibrators, the battery-operated Slimline G is a great first timer’s toy with its low price and variability. For a more luxe beginner option, PicoBong makes the Moka G Vibe, which is coated in satiny silicone and offers a one-year warranty. The Moka G is a fantastic way to experience a little taste of quality sex toys while also offering a low price point.
A Blindfold
It sounds so simple, but does so much. For a lot of folks, beginning with something basic like a blindfold or even some under-the-bed restraints can be the easiest way to dip their toes into the waters of sex toys. As small a step as it may be, sensory deprivation provides an opportunity for power dynamics to come into play. What’s better than getting a bit of attention in all the right places? Not being able to predict where that pleasure might be next!
The Nooky Box!
One of the easiest, most fun ways to open up to the world of sexy bedroom additions is through a subscription service, and The Nooky Box is in a league of its own. Simply choose a plan and your preferred type of products, and receive a surprise shipment of incredible goodies hand chosen by our team. Not only do you get way more bang for your buck than you would simply purchasing a solo item, (each box costs between $75 and $80, depending on the plan, and the total value of each box is between $100 and $150), you also receive our quarterly erotica, top-quality lube, and expert tips provided by yours truly. It’s an exciting, playful way to introduce new sex toys to any relationship.
Sexuality is an ever-evolving thing in all of us, so remember that what you like today may not be what you like tomorrow, and seize the day! Enjoy yourself! Yay Sex!